50 Shades of Orange

January was a real gem of a month. A truly amazing way to start off 2017.  I have thoroughly enjoyed waking up every morning with the attitude of “so, what fresh hell is going to be served up today?”

I don’t want to get political, because that isn’t what his blog is for, but let’s just get it out of the way once and for all.

I know my opinion isn’t important, but I am just going to publicly establish myself on the right side of history. And let’s be clear, there is a right and a wrong. Simple as that. The only grey that there is in life right now, is the new 50 Shades of Grey movie that is coming out. Which they play the commercial for every 7 minutes. And let’s not even get into the fact that my poor ears get assaulted with that fucking Taylor Swift song every time the commercial comes on. I was really surprised by the fact that this movie looks like it actually has some sort of a plot line, as opposed to the hour and a half of torture chamber intercourse that occurred in the last one. Who is that bitch that keeps showing up with the gun? If any of you have read the book, throw me some spoilers. I am curious enough that I want to know, but I’m also not curious enough to sit through the entire movie. When I first saw the commercials, I thought that Anastasia was having some sort of Schizo episode and imagining the girl, but I guess she’s real? And how does that little stalker know Christian Grey? She looks a tad young to be one of his prior conquests. Although I’m not sure that following legal procedures is at the top of his to do list. The only legal knowledge he has is from the law books he flipped through while drafting that fucking BDSM contract he had Anastasia sign. If you have no idea what I’m talking about consider yourself lucky.

50 Shades just completely hijacked this post. You would think I was being sponsored by them. Which unfortunately I’m not. @ 50 Shades if you want to throw some money my way I would be happy to write a glowing movie review for you.

Anyway, let me get back to making the only political post you will ever see on this blog. And also just know, that one of my majors is American Studies, and I almost have a minor in political science. So even though I act like a fucking idiot that has no idea what is going on in the world, unless it is a Real Housewives or Bachelor plot line, that’s a FACADE. I read the news 24/7 and I have always been a voracious reader of anything related to American history and culture. As I said, I do major in it. So don’t come at me telling me I don’t know anything. I could blast your ass with facts at any moment. But I’ll spare you all that, and just speak from the heart.

FUCK DONALD TRUMP.

His ugly Cheeto dust covered reptilian flesh prison of a body is a disgrace to human existence, and his followers are more deluded than members of Scientology. If you are reading this, and you actively support Douchebag Trampoline, I have no respect for you or your “opinions.” You’re a fucking idiot, and you played yourself. You should make a documentary series that captures the realization process you go through on your journey to confront the fact that you are complicit in fucking up the entire country. You knowingly voted for an orange skinned, racist, misogynistic, egomaniac with the demeanor and behavior of a baby that hasn’t been fed for 12 hours, and that just shit its own diaper. Which isn’t far off from an actual depiction of Donald Trump. #AdultDiapers. If you voted for Donkey Trunk, I hope you feel like a complete asshole as you watch this shit show unfold. Also good luck with the Mexican import tariffs that are about to fuck up your white trash Wal-Mart shopping sprees. Have fun paying $20 for a banana, dumbass.

If this content is hurting your feelings, go ahead and unfollow.

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Moving on to Steven Bannon, the personification of pure evil. He makes Freddy Krueger look like a dedicated philanthropist and member of the Peace Corps. I will not refer to him as “alt-right.” That sounds like a fucking music genre. He is a nazi, and he consistently  looks like he has just been on a 12 day alcohol bender. Exhibit A:

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He is that creepy rapist uncle that your mom tells you to stay away from at family gatherings. He is the racist grandfather, that upon looking in his closet, you accidentally stumble upon his KKK robe. He looks like he smells of cigarettes, raw sewage, and decomposing bodies. Here’s a bit of advice Steve, put your autographed copy of Mein Kampf down and go take a shower.

Mike Pence, AKA Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy’s secret love child, is a human garbage can. luc vol

He is that guy that sucked a dick one time, and was so afraid of how much he liked it, that he now feels the need to go on homophobic tangents to make himself feel better. Follow the money and I bet he has a secret bank account used exclusively to hire male prostitutes.

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His continuous hatred of women is PATHETIC. Women have most likely turned him down his entire life, and he has resented the fact that he feels no attraction to them, so he thrives on the idea of taking away our basic human rights. Go fuck yourself Mike Pence.

All three of the above mentioned fascist fuck faces serve as examples of the fact that being a white supremacist is not conducive to aging with grace. There is not a face lift or dermatological treatment that can fix the face of someone who is so fucking ugly on the inside, that it has transcended into their physical appearance.

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Let’s talk about people like Matthew McConaughey (it took me 5 full minutes to spell that right) that say we should just embrace Donut Tramp and the rest of his minions.

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Stick to making overly dramatized car commercials Matthew.

And how about Paul Ryan? It’s pretty crazy that he is still able to stand even though he has no fucking spine. He is a self serving coward that is 2 seconds away from getting his lips surgically connected to Trump’s ass.

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That’s all I’m going to say. I am not getting into any specifics on policy or anything else because I’m not CNN. One last thing I will say though, about certain executive orders, is that it is easy to dismiss these things as acceptable if you don’t know anyone that is being affected by it. There are huge protests everyday here in California, because these laws will directly impact so many people that live here. It is easy for some random person from buttfuck nowhere, Kansas to say “kick out all undocumented people!!” (they wouldn’t say undocumented they would say something worse, but I have a soul so I am not going to do that) because they don’t personally know any undocumented people. To them, an immigrant is someone that just moved to Kansas from Nebraska. I’m only partially joking when I say that. If they actually knew people that were living in fear that their entire lives were about to be torn apart, perhaps they could do some soul searching and unveil the remaining ounce of empathy that they have left. This is not a direct attack on Kansas, so if you are from Kansas leave me alone and go back to harvesting your corn, or whatever it is that you do.

I feel like this blog is going to be a public relations nightmare for me at some point. Can my future employer find this? One day I am going to be called into my boss’s office, and this blog will be on the computer screen. At that point I’ll just spare them the trouble and fire myself.

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I’m pretty sure I can never run for public office either, unless I thoroughly erase all traces of this blog’s existence. Although, if we elected an unqualified rotten orange peel to the highest position possible, who says I can’t be a mayor or something? Shoot for the stars. 

This post has been really negative and depressing, (too many cold hard facts)  so let’s finish this off with some great news. As I have stated before, I am a bit of an unsolved mysteries expert. (Humble brag.) I recently discovered that episodes of the show Unsolved Mysteries have been added to Amazon Video, and they can be streamed if you have a prime account. Shoutout to my prime college student discount. My degree will probably never get me a job, but at least it temporally gets me free 2 day shipping. 

It’s the small things.

In other news, I hope everyone has fun watching the Lady Gaga concert this weekend. Or as some other people call it, The Super Bowl.

Different strokes for different folks.

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9 thoughts on “50 Shades of Orange

  1. I laughed so hard through the whole post! It’s like my thoughts threw up on my computer screen, gifs included. You’re super funny, and I’ll be looking forward to more content from you.!

    Like

  2. Douchebag Trampoline. Donut Tramp. hahaha. Preach it girl! #Agreed
    You’re so blunt and so funny. I love your blog! If I were your boss and I found this, I’d be happy to have someone like you on my team. #NoBullshit

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m hoping Lady Gaga does something outrageous to protest against Donald Trump, just to see all the mindless drones on r/The_Donald lose their fucking minds.

    Agree with everything above. I’m glad I live in Ireland and don’t have to look around at the faces of my fellow citizens and wonder who actually voted for this egomaniacal gobshite. I’m sorry that you do. The day after the inauguration my mother called me to complain that people weren’t “being fair” about Trump and that they should “give him a chance and see what he does.” I went on a blistering tirade about everything he had ALREADY done, and at one point the words, “AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS?” left my mouth. I nearly had a heart attack brought on by pure frustration.

    The very next day she called to agree with everything I’d said, and she now thinks the man is batshit insane. So that’s something at least.

    Also, if Dick Cheney was a particularly shit pokemon, Steve Bannon is Dick Cheney’s evolved form. So, so much worse. Hopefully that’s his final form now because I’m not sure the world can handle anything more in that vein of evil.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Loved your post Bold, it was hilarious. As an Australian, I’m just sitting back watching the shit hit the fan, so to speak. I find it absolutely un-f-ing-believable that that failure of a human being was voted in as your President. The entire world is still in shock…really….just because he’s famous, is it? rich…? is that the reason? You might get a laugh out of my own recent post about this: https://onyajay.wordpress.com/2017/02/03/who-voted-for-trump/ “So Who voted for him then?, and I absolutely loved this one by Bentravotowhippingboy – Durban Poison – https://bentrovatowhippingboy.wordpress.com/tag/donald-trump/ – it’s the funniest thing I’ve read in ages. Wow…
    Thanks! I’m a new follower.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hahaha, nobody can give a better description of Trump than you just did, I am sure. Watch my pathetic country vote the Dutch Donald to prime minister-hood in less than two months and we can make fun of them both – Trump for his skin tone (which is quite sad) and Wilders for his hair (which might be even sadder).

    Like

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