California Crawling

I don’t know how many of you have ever been to California, but if you have, one of the most memorable things (besides all of the plastic surgery, and the overabundance of places to buy overpriced juice) is the traffic. To get anywhere, chances are you have to get on the freeway. It feels like cities in California were built to accommodate the location of the freeways, instead of it being the other way around. As one would logically assume.

I don’t know though I’m not a fucking city planner. What I do know is that I spend a lot of time in traffic. I’m talking bumper to bumper. One twitch of the foot and your car will be rammed into the one in front of you. If you are driving around the Newport Beach or Beverly Hills area, chances are this car will be a brand new Mercedes Benz, and then you are financially FUCKED. At that point you better say goodbye to your kidney, because selling it on the black market is pretty much the only way out of that predicament.

For everyone that lives in another state, stop glamorizing the California lifestyle, and also stop moving here. IT’S OVER POPULATED. And we are in a DROUGHT.

I could wake up to go somewhere at 6 AM, and there would be traffic. I left school several nights ago at 10 PM, and there was traffic. I recently was on the road at 3 AM, and for some unknown reason, THERE WAS TRAFFIC.

The most peculiar thing to me, is that on weekdays, during the hours of 11 to 3, there is traffic. Do people not have jobs?? Where is everyone going?? It always feels like everyone in California is unemployed, yet somehow still able to afford their $29.99 a month gym membership, $8.00 kale smoothie, and weekly botox treatments. It’s really amazing. Either everyone is living in debt, or they have uncovered the key to attaining mass wealth with no work. When someone here says they are an “independent entertainment consultant,” that is code for I have no fucking job, and I like to track the locations of taco trucks on Twitter like a crazed groupie.

If you are ever in LA, don’t be afraid to buy food from a food truck. Make sure it’s legitimate though, and not just a man selling his mom’s leftover lasagna out of the back of a rented van to fund his heroine addiction.

Whenever I am stuck in traffic, my mind starts to wander. Sometimes I just look ahead at the seemingly infinite stretch of cars in front of me, and I think, do any of these people currently have a dead body in the trunk of the car? What are the chances that with all of these cars, one of them has a dead body in it? 

I start trying to calculate the statistics in my head and everything. I think about this far too much. I recommend that you think about this next time you are stuck in traffic. Maybe even make a game of looking at people as you pull up next to them, and determining the likelihood that they do indeed have a corpse in their car. Does a dead body enable you to use the carpool lane??? Next time I’m around a police officer I’ll be sure to ask.

Speaking of dead bodies, the infamous serial killer Richard Ramirez utilized the Southern California freeway system to its full extent. Richie, known as the night stalker, killed people all over Southern California. The reason he didn’t get caught for so long, was because when he took the freeway, he could be in a completely different city with each exit that he took. At this point, the police in different cities did not communicate with each other in the same way that they do now. The freeway pretty much enabled him to pop in and out of cities with ease, and mislead the police. If you think you have road rage, imagine Richard Ramirez stuck in traffic, on his way to break into a home, and kill a woman. Also fun fact, I live 10 minutes away from a house that he broke into, killed a man, and raped the woman. And yes of course I have done a drive by and scoped the place out on several different occasions. I always wonder if the current owners know. Sometimes I contemplate knocking on their door and informing them. Kind of like when Mormons knock so they can spread the Mormon message, except I will be spreading the murder message. Here’s a tip: look into a house before you buy it.

I think Richard Ramirez would have been a good spokesperson for Google Maps. “When I just murdered a couple in Whittier, and I need to rob a house in Glendale, but then be back in East LA all in the same night to better conceal my murder trail, I use Google Maps.”  These kinds of great ideas are why I major in PR.

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As you can see I’m really utilizing the skills I learned from the graphic design class I took.

Now, what I am about to say is going to sound bad, but other people getting in car accidents is really inconvenient for me. I don’t want to sound insensitive, but a lot of the time, car accidents on the freeway are self inflicted. Here’s a tip, pay attention, and don’t be swerving around like you are in a fucking Fast and Furious movie. Fast and Furious 29: I Crashed on the Freeway because I’m an Asshole.

One accident can cause a backup for HOURS. There have been times that I am driving somewhere that should realistically be only a half hour drive, but because of a car accident, it takes 2 AND A HALF HOURS. I have made it through the entire Hamilton soundtrack stuck in the car, driving somewhere that is only 20 miles away. It is fucked up. Alexander Hamilton would not stand for this.

With this kind of traffic, there is a loss in productivity, and there is a decline in mental stability. Road rage is turning usually calm people into animals. There is something about the anonymity of being inside of a car, that lets people release their inner Mel Gibson. I do not project my rage and cut people off or anything (at least not excessively), but I do constantly mutter profanities. When I am driving it’s like a Chelsea Handler monologue inside my car. But actually funny. Or like the level of profanity that is in an Eminem song, just replace the hate directed at women, with hate directed at slow drivers. Side note: if a boy says his favorite artist is Eminem, stay away from him. Chances are he renovated his 2 car garage into a 2 women torture dungeon.

I remember an article I read awhile ago that was talking about how excessive traffic is genuinely messing with the psyche of people that are constantly driving in it. A guy could be completely fine, but then gets stuck in rush hour traffic for 2 hours, he gets road rage, and then next thing he knows he is verbally abusing his wife when he gets home for overcooking his chicken. If you are ever on the receiving end of this situation, instead of then proceeding to serve dessert, serve up some divorce papers. Personally, I think that traffic makes people angry, heartless, tired, and completely devoid of empathy. The freeway is every person for themselves. If that means cutting a bitch off, then that’s how it is going to be. It’s some real Lord of the Flies type shit.

Which leads me to my next point. I wish people would learn how to merge. DO NOT GO INTO A LANE IF IT IS GOING TO END. That is such an asshole move. If there is traffic, and you see a completely open lane, don’t fucking go into it because that lane ends. If you do, either you are an idiot that is Stevie Wonder status blind, or you are just inconsiderate and want to speed past everyone that has already been waiting in that lane. You then expect us to let you into our lane when yours ends? Fuck that. If I have been in one spot for 30 fucking minutes, and you think you can just speed past me in five seconds and demand that I let you in front of me, you’ve got another thing coming. I will let your ass sit there, and you can wait until someone more compassionate decides to let you in. I don’t need to be doing community service on my drive home.

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That gif is a visual representation of exactly what transpires inside of my car. I have never seen a more accurate depiction.

Don’t even get me started on driving just in LA alone. Nothing makes sense. There are obscure signs everywhere, random parking meters all over the place, lanes randomly will decide to stop, and red lights apparently mean nothing. Also if you can’t parallel park you are FUCKED and shouldn’t even bother leaving your overpriced studio apartment.

I also don’t think anyone in California stops for stop signs. Is it like that in other states?? Here we call it the “California Rolling Stop,” which is when you pause for roughly .003 seconds at a stop sign.

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There is also always road construction going on, which never really manifests into results. Or so it seems. This construction causes massive blockages, and it is a psychiatrist approved reason for obtaining a Xanax prescription.

Now let’s talk about rain. As I mentioned before, California is in a drought. When rain occurs it feels as though a miracle is transpiring in front of our very eyes. Unless you have to drive on the freeway. At the first drop of rain, all of the rules of the road fly out the window. All of a sudden people forget how to stay in their own lane. Traffic increases to a point where you are better off just sleeping at work, because by the time you make it home, your fucking alarm is going to ring for you to wake up for work again.

When I was driving the other day, I was thinking about creating questionnaires to fill out for anyone that wants to be my friend. I will give them out, review answers, and then make a careful and well thought out decision in regards to if I want to pursue a friendship. One of the top questions would be “if there is no traffic, do you drive at least 75 mph?” If the answer to that is no, I will smash up the paper and shoot it straight into the trash. Kobe style. For those rare moments where the freeway is clear, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT. Or go to the far right line, AKA the slow people lane. The further left, the faster you want to go. If I am in the left lane, next to the carpool lane, and someone is going excruciatingly slow, I will not hesitate to go around them and flip them off. I will flip off a grandma I don’t give a fuck. I will then cut that bitch off. I’ll put my blinker on before I do it though because I still have some manners.

In summary, I would feel not an ounce of sadness if I never had to drive on the freeway again in my entire life. I want public transportation. Or just normal roads that don’t involve sitting in a car with no movement. If you are a person that in anyway contributes to causing traffic, your license should be revoked, and you should feel personally responsible for elevating my stress and blood pressure to levels that are dangerously high. I genuinely expect freeway murders to increase. Final word of advice: keep a knife in your car in case the bitch in front of you decides to leave a 13 cars length size gap in front of them, and back everyone else up in the process. MOVE IT OR LOSE IT (your life).

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10 thoughts on “California Crawling

  1. I love everything about this post. I experienced LA traffic a few years back when I visited a friend. Thankfully, I didn’t have to drive in any of it. Raleigh’s the biggest metro area I’ve driven in and, sure, the traffic was frustrating sometimes, but nowhere near Los Angeles extreme. Now I live in southwest Virginia, where the causes of road rage differ slightly. It’s probably all relative. I get angry over traffic lights that turn red for no reason. Like, I’m the only person on the road late at night and a light that’s green suddenly turns red as I approach. It makes no sense! And it feels like there are so many intersections near where I live where it’s two lanes until you cross the intersection, then one of the lanes ends. People do that thing where they go fast in the ending lane to pass five of us at the last second. Pisses me off. I used to think the county planners were stupid for designing intersections like that. Now I realize they’re just asshole detectors. UGH! I’m getting pissed off just thinking about it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I live in southwest VA as well and the biggest concerns I have when driving (particularly on the back roads) are tractors going 5mph (which should be illegal), kamikazi deer jumping out, or on Sundays when everyone’s grannies are headed to church driving slower than a snail’s pace; they just need their licenses revoked!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The worst traffic I’ve had to deal with is northern VA traffic and that shit is nuts! I don’t know how it compares to LA traffic, but a lot of what you wrote about above can be said of DC traffic, too, especially the never ending construction. The traffic there actually caused my dad to have a heart attack from the stress of his daily commute. Since I learned how to drive in that crap, I tell people I’m an aggressive-defensive driver; you kind of need to be in such a place.

    Just recently, VA passed a law that allows police to ticket slow drivers in the left lane. Thank you, Jeebus!

    Oh, and realtors have to disclose if a person died in a house they are trying to sell fyi…

    Like

  3. I just found your blog this morning and it makes me happy. So if I comment on shit from 5 months ago, please don’t think I’m stalking you. Although, depending on how entertaining your previous blogs are, I might have to. Except I am from Northern California and driving to Southern California to stalk you sounds awful. It would take me 18.5 hours to get there, if I don’t have to pee on the way.

    So I will just continue to read and laugh.

    And for the record, I hate those assholes on the road too. Every day on my way home, I get behind the 127 year old that can’t see over the dash and is afraid to get within a mile of the car in front of him. And then the mid-life crisis guy, driving a convertible, with the windows up but the top down, speeding up in the merge lanes to cut everyone off. Roll down your fucking windows and wait in line like the rest of us!!

    Liked by 1 person

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