Bachelor Episode 2 Recap: Frat Boy Fakery

If you feel as though reality tv is brainless, vapid, and strictly for unintelligent people, then you should probably stop reading this and go back to listening to Beethoven through your vintage record player, while drinking dark roast Ethiopian espresso, and reading Charles Bukowski. You pretentious asshole.

Watching reality tv is escapism, and it is also sociological and psychological research. Who is the smart one now?

On last night’s episode of The Bachelor, I had 16 aneurisms, and I’m pretty sure I lost at least 10 pounds from second hand embarrassment induced sweats.

Let’s talk about Liz first. The only dialogue this bitch has produced thus far on the show is about Jade and Tanner’s wedding, and the fact that her and Nick hooked up at said wedding. Why doesn’t she just hold a press conference, and tell everyone so she doesn’t have to keep mentioning it every 4 seconds? Unless that hook up resulted in a child, and she is leading up to divulging that information, I literally give zero fucks. I would suggest that a fun drinking game would be for you guys to take a shot every time she mentions Jade and Tanner’s wedding, but I don’t want to be held accountable when you inevitably die of alcohol poisoning. I wonder how Jade feels about her bff going on the show and looking thirsty as fuck. Their wedding is receiving more promo than fucking William and Kate’s. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

I am going to go on the record and say that Corinne is probably Donald Trump’s long lost daughter. Perhaps the love child of him and one of his maids or secretaries. She is trying way to hard to be Regina George, and to be quite honest, that other contestant that is a psychologist is probably one more outburst away from diagnosing her with borderline personality disorder. I cannot figure out if Nick actually likes her, or if the producers are holding him at gunpoint behind the scenes telling him to keep her around. If he genuinely likes her, then it becomes extremely obvious to me why he has failed at finding love so many times, and he is definitely going to die ALONE.

The first date entails a wedding photo shoot. Strange but okay. Nick kisses literally every single girl during the photo shoot and I worry that he is going to contract mono. When it is Corinne’s turn to take photos with Nick, she takes her bikini top off, and the girls go wild as they watch from a distance. Corinne is definitely playing to win. And she does end up winning the photo shoot challenge (what is this America’s Next Top Model??) The other girls then begin to question if Nick is just there to have fun or if he actually wants a wife. Because apparently Corinne isn’t wife material. Give me a break. A bitch can’t take off her top in a swimming pool without automatically losing her potential wife card?? Tip for all the ladies: maybe Nick didn’t pick you because you were boring. Focus on yourself. Be more fun, and stop complaining so much, and maybe you just might get that rose. 

Later in the evening the girls all get their chance to talk to Nick, and they get mad because Corinne continuously interrupts them. She receives the rose from Nick, and then launches into a Ted Talk about how things are going to be uncomfortable, and how to win roses, and that you have to be yourself. #inspiring. The whole thing was a slurred mess. The ladies can say what they want about Corinne, but whatever she is doing is apparently working. Don’t get bitter get even. 

On another one of the dates, they go to the Museum of Broken Relationships. And first of all, what the fuck. Why is that a real thing? Secondly, that is where Nick’s deceased body will most likely be held, on display for everyone to observe the king of failed relationships.

They then have to pretend to break up with him??? What kind of date is that I don’t understand?? Nick is clearly both a narcissist and a masochist. The acting performances delivered by the ladies were extremely subpar, and I recommend they keep promoting that Skinny Tea because acting is certainly not in the cards.

I don’t think I have ever wished for death to take me more than watching Liz’s performance. She continues to act like they were in a 6 year long relationship, and that he broke up with her via carrier pigeon. SHE IS THE ONE WHO DIDN’T GIVE HIM HER PHONE NUMBER WHY IS SHE COMPLAINING ?!?!??!#$@##$%

I really enjoyed the nervousness displayed by Nick as he realized the gals were beginning to discuss the wedding situation. Also to the hoe that ran and told Nick that Liz was sharing the info, snitches get stitches.

Nick then declares that Liz is “using our past relationship as an excuse to be on TV.”  Is he delusional????? HONEY, THAT IS WHAT YOUR ENTIRE BACHELOR CAREER HAS BEEN BASED ON. I had no problem with Nick prior to this episode, but now he is making me want to drop kick him on national television. He is the king of the double standard, and if I was on the show, I would probably manipulate my way to the final, only to then say no when he proposed. Is that too mean? I don’t care.

I was happy to see Liz go, although I feel like she will probably be on Bachelor in Paradise. Also why were the girls freaking out in the promo for next week when they found out about the Liz situation? They were genuinely crying at the notion that their shared boyfriend has had sexual relations with other women. Did they not watch all of the other seasons he was on????????????? #fantasysuite

My final thoughts are that Nick is an egomaniac, he looks like a washed up boyband member, apparently if you take your top off 5 minutes into a date you will be rewarded (you do you girl, I’m not even judging), I feel like Taylor Swift should have her own section of the broken relationships museum, and after watching the episode I feel like I may have hooked up with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding?? I don’t know it was said so many times it just has me confused.

I can’t wait to see what fuckery is on next weeks episode, and watch as the saga of grown frat boy Nick Viall’s search for love continues.

 

6 thoughts on “Bachelor Episode 2 Recap: Frat Boy Fakery

  1. My thoughts exactly! And you forgot to mention that Corinne got crazy when someone gave her a taste of her own medicine and interrupted her time with Nick. So much drama. I will be so happy to see her go. I truly believe she was planted by the show; they always include a crazy one that gets people all up in arms.

    Liked by 1 person

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